I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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