I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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