i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
