textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize