Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
