Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
