Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
