i don't plan on having that self control this summer
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
