When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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