dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Come on in and take your pants off
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