Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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