Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
