I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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