He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
