obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You ate ashes out of my bong
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
