He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
home. puking in laundry basket.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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