I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
