Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
