a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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