As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
