so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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