where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
