I wish I only lived at night.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
