Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
