She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
A bitchslap is in order.
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