Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
