I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
