I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
