I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Princesses don't give blow jobs
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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