to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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