based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
