That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
