So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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