Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
