Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
