3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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