my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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