did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
