Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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