At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You may now shotgun with the bride
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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