I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
no you cant smoke seaweed
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
