Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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