I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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