Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
