what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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