Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
