halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
