I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
