It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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