Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
