Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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