I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
