I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
