A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize